The thrill is gone..

It’s been a while since I wrote for myself. I really wanted to, but I just couldn’t. I guess that’s the drawback of being in a profession where you are paid to write. When you enter work and are forced to write, a part of you gets caged. “We need to send this out in the next half hour. It’s urgent.” These words become a norm. These words force you to control your thoughts and still force your mind to out your bread and butter. You write to survive. But what survives? A living body feeding a dying mind. What meaning does it still hold?

The value of a word doesn’t come from caging your thoughts. It’s about letting them free. Letting them wander, far and near. Wherever they want.

A sense of freedom.

A sense of evolution.

A sense of creation.

We evolve as people only when we let our thoughts evolve. But I stopped feeling that freedom. My world, my thoughts, my voice croaked. I forgot what words meant to me. If I ever sat down to think, 10 different people in different forms interrupted my thoughts. As I write this, 5 have already come and done so.

I struggled. I really did. I didn’t know what to do, which way to go. Then the answer rang in my ears. Literally. It erupted with a twang, followed with a beat, ran like a wave of tones and lifted my thoughts to me. Music, my only solace.

It has a dramatic effect on my mind. It opens the floodgates and releases my thoughts. It causes a destruction that brings about peace. It’s reminiscent of the great flood. Only those thoughts true to me float aboard the great ark, safe and cared for. It's the only thing worth saving. The rest is laid to waste, swept away, leaving me clean. My thoughts flow free and lucid. They fly, they soar, and they explore lands unknown. And that is where I find my words. They were waiting in the skies above, waiting for me, waiting for me to be free, waiting for the day I came back to me.

A keypad?

A keypad.
Our life?
How?
Well it fits..
All these letters..
They can form anything in our life..
All that we love,
All that we hate,
All that we want to remember,
All that we want to forget.
Numbers add weight to those things..
Some confuse us,
Some simplify for us.
Those symbols..
They express every emotion we feel,
Confusion,
Anger,
Delusion,
Everything is expressed..
Backspace, move back..
We might try, but we still move back,
We always think back..
Our lives are ruled by our past.
Space is a need..
Space to think,
Space to write,
Space to be free,
when you have that space, you Enter into life..

Life...Life is a keypad.

An upward curve

You're sitting with your head in your hands. You're tired. Your mind is tired, your mind tells your body to be tired. Everything feels slow. So slow. A smile feels a distant dream. Its too tiring. What's the use of it? Your mind doesn't have a reason to smile. Fuck, your mind just wants to shut off..

Then a slight buzz makes you lift your head. A light flashes. That piece of machinery beckons. It bellows at you. You're too tired to pick it up. But you just have to. You lift it, you feel it, it feels cold. Bah, everything feels cold anyhow nowadays. The flashing light feels blinding..

But then you notice who it is. Hmm, it suddenly doesn't feel that cold anymore. Hmm, you're not that tired after all. Hmm, your mind doesn't want to switch off. Hmm, you finally find a reason to smile.. Hmmmm, maybe its her..

Want?

I wish sleep was a luxury, not a necessity..

Time passes, and leaves me wanting. I want more out of life, I want more time in life. Things I want to accomplish, things I want to experience, things I want to see through to the end..

I want to write,
I want to make music,
I want to swim in the ocean,
I want to spend time with family and friends,
I want to dance,
I want to stare at fire flies,
I want to learn a new language,
I want to make fun of random people,
I want to point at a place on the map and travel there,
I want to learn photography,
I want to sketch,
I want to fall in love again,
I want to fly a plane,
I want to collect stamps,
I want to bungee jump,
I want to stop and just sit,
I want to run till I fall,
I want to slide in mud,
I want to paint,
I want to ride a bike for days,
I want to sleep nights under the stars..

However big or small, I want to stop wanting..

What gets me through the day..

I'm listening to a radio show. They have some djs coming on air and listing the things that get them through the day.

What gets me through the day?
Music is the base of my life. It makes me forget everything except for those beats. Those beats make my heart thump.. Those beats make my heart jump.. Good times go.. Bad times go.. Music keeps me company. Music and humour. Humour and me.. Its a love hate relationship. But I still need it in my life. Its a drug for me. A smile, a giggle.. A chuckle, a laugh.. Humour makes me happy. Makes people around me happy. It lightens up the mood, it lightens up the day, it lightens up my life. It stirs up a group of friends. Friends.. they light up your life. They are there to share a joke, a dance, a tear, a laugh, a trip, a beer and sometimes, silence. Loneliness stops becoming a part of your dictionary..

Music, humour and friends. I can't live without that trio. They are what gets me through the day. They are a part of me and they play no tricks.. They in some way, form my essential mix.

Death is..

Death is inevitable..

Death is not an end, it’s a beginning..

Death is karma taking a complete circle..

Death is a person’s fulfillment of his duties on earth..

I’ve heard them all, they just bounce of me. They make no sense. Neither of them explains death. Neither of them explains why it hurts so much. Neither of them explains the repercussions it has on people. It makes people stop smiling, it makes people stop thinking, it makes people lose any connection to the world, it makes people weaker, it makes people stop feeling..

Death is just .. Death.

There and back again..

You're sitting
You're waiting
You don't want to leave
but you have no choice

You put on your headphones..
The mind is lost in a place soon to be distant
hmmm the music is nice
Reminds you of the previous night
Ahh that was a night
Lights were bright
Wicked and unexpected it was

Music starts picking up
hmmm feels like you're back on the beach
Music is going on
Feels like you're back on the road
The sway of the windswept trees
Rustling with the music
Your lights mark the way..

You're driving
You're unsure of where you are
You're unsure of where you're from
You're unsure of where you're going
but... you're driving

Life suddenly feels better
That empty road tells you where you are
That empty road tells you where you're from
That empty road finally tell you where you're going..

The road that led you there
Leads you back out..
Out of a place special
Out of a place with sand on your feet
Out of a place we call.. Goa